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Hello!

If you are new to my blog, chances are you are here for updates about my trip to Rwanda!

Feel free to browse through my blog if you feel so inclined, it is mostly about my experience growing up in foster care, my belief in Jesus Christ, and my experience after placing my first-born son for adoption. If you’d rather stick to the Africa posts there is a category link on the right hand side titled “RWANDA2013″. If you click on that it will take you directly to my updates from this trip :)

Thank you so much for stopping by and for joining me on this amazing adventure!

~Brittany

Today.

Mother’s Day.

I intentionally switched weeks with a friend to work in the nursery today so that I would ensure my attendance at church this morning.

My parents are in Minnesota spending time with my sister this weekend so there was really nothing keeping me from spending all day in bed today.

Besides this stubborn will to get the heck over it and not let this day get to me yet again.

I did pretty well…The sermon was not about Motherhood…It was about finances, so that was good. I’ve spent enough time surrounded by babies the last three years that I don’t get choked up at the mere smell of them anymore. And I conveniently went to a 2 1/2 hour lunch date with a group of friends.

There was never really a chance to fall apart. Until there was.

Now I’m home. I’m supposed to go get a pedicure with my best friend and her sweet girl. She texted me well over an hour ago.

I can’t seem to keep it together another minute more.

Ann Voskamp blogged this today:

“Being the first to caress another human being’s cheek, I only felt raw, unadulterated, strangling terror.”

If you know our birth story you know that this was not my experience in the slightest. I was rather ambivalent to E’s existence at all after his birth. I call it numb.

But I think her statement gets right down to the heart of a birthmom. “Raw, unadulterated, strangling terror.” The difference is, noone bothered to tell me this fear was common place for expectant moms. That NO mom feels adequate. And while my fears were based in valid concerns, they were just that, fears. The root of fear is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in God, in my family, in myself, in baby daddy, in the world.

“How in the world could I have the wherewithal to lead another human being in the right way —when I was just making my way myself?” – Ann

Somewhere along the line I went from a fearfully expectant mom, to a pregnant woman who made a birth plan where she would give her baby to a qualified mother. And she is, she is absolutely (more than) qualified.

But maybe, just maybe, I would have been too.

Why I am Participating in Birthmothers Day this Year

Most of you know that I am not a fan of “Birthmothers Day”. I believe that we are mothers, plain and simple, and as such should be celebrated on Mother’s Day just like every other mama. We may not be …

We break.

Today I grieve as I celebrate.

It has been a long hard road trying to piece back together our broken family. Today that journey became a whole lot easier and in some ways a little bit more painful.

I woke up at 7am to a message from a sister I wasn’t sure I’d ever know again. A sister who didn’t know I existed. A sister who had believed no one loved her. Who felt abandoned her entire life.

I celebrate the victory. I celebrate the Lord’s leading and provision in this search. I celebrate her health and her beautiful smile. I celebrate her.

But I grieve. Oh so deeply.

The loss of 17 years. Every tear we’ve ever cried for our family. Every thought she ever had of abandonment. Every moment not filled with love. Every sting of abuse. Every harsh word spoken to her. Every day out there all alone. I grieve for all of the ways I couldn’t protect her. For all of the good times we didn’t get to share.

Today is a day of grieving. Tomorrow we will rejoice. But today we acknowledge the loss, the pain, the heartbreak.

You have to break in order to heal.

Today I am broken.

Blown Away.

I have never felt more conflicted in my life.

We found Brooke. Currently known as “Sarah”. She is beautiful. And smart. And talented. And so very loved. And HAPPY.

I am overwhelmed with joy. And sadness. And anxiety. And love.

And I cannot wait another minute to contact her.

But should I?

Should I wait until her mother responds to my attempt?

Should it be up to her or her mom?

What if…What if…What if…What if…What if…What if…What if…What if…

Meet Sarah.

*In the time that it took me to write this blog post, between chats with my mom, and texts to my brother…I went ahead and sent Sarah a message…now, We Wait. Ugh*

Brooke Davis.

The past couple of weeks I have been consumed with thoughts of my baby sister.

It is a paralyzing feeling not to know your own sisters name.

To know everything about her birth and the first three years of her life and yet to know absolutely nothing about her now.

She could live in India for all I know.

She could be a drug addict. Or a nun. Or a mom. Or a lesbian. Or Amish. Or a professional athlete. Or locked in a psych ward somewhere secret. There are infinite possibilities as to where she is and how she is. And I have no place to begin because even her birthdate isn’t reliable.

Foster care. Adoption. Families torn apart. Children punished for another’s wrongdoing. Lives eternally separated. Bonds crushed. A piece of me, gone forever, with the flick of a pen.

There should be laws restricting the separation of biological siblings surrendered to state custody. Period.

    

If you leave in or near Utah please “like” and “share” this Facebook page.

Life: April Edition

Whew…Do I really have time to write on my blog? YES, yes I really do! Yay!

It has been a busy few weeks around here folks! First of all, I have been sick for a good solid six weeks. First it was a head cold, then the stomach bug, then the head cold again, and then both at the same time, and now the cold is still hanging on.

I had nearly two weeks “off” work (miraculous timing with being so sick) because T&LL took the kids on a vacation and then I took a couple days off to drive to Salt Lake City to see my brother and sister. I ended up spending most of the two weeks watching Miss L, the other little one that I usually nanny just a couple of days a week. She was also sick the entire time (and is again as of Sunday) but we had a great time nonetheless.

I got to spend a week getting to know two international students from Japan! I had them over for dinner and frozen yogurt, we spent a day at the Bruneau Sand Dunes and made an afternoon at Barnes and Noble. They are sweet, sweet people and I am so excited to get to know them a little more before they head back to Japan in a couple of weeks!

I celebrated my 24th (gasp) birthday. I will post a picture later of the awesome Africa necklace that my sweet sisters gave me. I also got an adorable TOMS Love Africa tee from T&Lawyer Lady.

I was blessed to Skype with E and his awesome mama. It didn’t last long as he is a feisty, energetic, non-napping, two-year-old; but it was so great. He sang me the ABC’s and told me some of his favorite things. He played me a song on his guitar and showed me some of his cars. He is such a happy boy. And then he sure let us know when he was done :) It always amazes me how patient J is with him! She is so great. And of course it was great to catch up with her a little too! I really enjoy them so much.

Yepp, it has been a great, full, exhausting month. Now it’s back to working, fundraising for my trip (6 weeks to go!), and trying to organize my home that has severely suffered as of late (Can I please go through the nesting phase again, minus the pregnancy, of course! My home needs the TLC.)

Hope you are all doing well and feeling blessed by this beautiful Spring! Thanks for continuing on this crazy journey with me; I guess now it would just be called life Thanks for doing life with me!

Camp

If you have ever been even remotely interested in this world of “foster care” and what it means to be a foster child…You need to go see this movie.

 

 

The movie has its cheesy elements, is very “Hallmark” in its optimism, and I would not recommend it for young children due to some adult content/abuse themes.

But, you? YOU should go see it. Today.

 

 

Foster Care Is…

Foster Focus is doing a series of posts on Facebook of what “foster care” means to people. Most of the responses are from people of notoriety who happen to be foster alumni.

For example:

I was thinking about this tonight as I got ready for bed and wished I could braid my hair before I went to sleep.

I ask myself, “What is foster care to me?”

There is no simple answer. Foster care is everything and yet nothing. It was my whole life. It is in every aspect of who I am. And yet, I am not in foster care now. I am an adult. That phase of my life is over….Right?

Wrong.

I may have “aged out” but I will never have my family in the sense that every one else has their family. As awesome as my reunion is with my birth family, we are still disjointed; there are still 15 pivotal years of my life that don’t include them. I will always be a foster care alum. I know no other life.

Someday I may have a husband and children; I will still be a foster alum.

So what is foster care?

Foster care is having 30 sets of parents. Foster care is 10 different elementary schools. Foster care is never being taught… (how to braid your hair, how to properly shave your legs and paint your nails, the importance of brushing your teeth twice every day, money management, manners, social skills, the importance of exercise and healthy foods….etc.) Foster care is learning to feel at home in a strangers bed. Foster care is 5 different religions and 4 different versions of each of those religions. Foster care is new siblings every month. Foster care is being molested by a new stranger between each placement. Foster care is still wondering as an adult, if your “forever family” is really forever.

Country Tunes

I have no idea where my love for country music came from, but it has been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember. My mom swears up and down that she never liked it and I’m positive my dad shares the same sentiment.

Whoever planted the seed, I want to thank them for giving me a piece of my childhood that would stay with me forever!

I vividly remember singing to Little Red Rodeo, Boot Scootin’ Boogy, No One Else On Earth, She’s in Love With the Boy, Achey Breaky Heart, and countless other 90′s hits all throughout that decade.

One night in particular, just after my moms parental rights had been terminated and I had been told I would never see her again, I remember laying in my top bunk sobbing to “Carrying Your Love with Me” by George Strait. To this day that song tugs at a very emotional place in my heart.

Ten Thousand Angels by Mindy McCready (May she rest in Peace!) and Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces” got me through many Saturdays at my adoptive placement.

I have always loved to sing (although I’ve never been any good at it) and I would walk around the back edge of the farm where no one could hear me and I would sing country ballads at the top of my lungs.

For my 9th birthday my aunt gave me a Jessica Simpson cd (my first ever cd!), and I got a Britney Spears cassette tape from my sister. That was right about the time I started showing much interest in other music. After several months I remember talking to my mom and telling her that I was scared that I would stop loving country music if I liked this other stuff so much. I was really upset about it. I think she thought I was the strangest child to ever walk the earth.

It is safe to say, my love for country withstood the test of jr high and high school!

I still listen to it 90% of the time, especially if I’m having a rough day or can’t sleep at night. It instantly comforts me!

What about you? Does music affect you? If so, is there a specific genre?