I intentionally switched weeks with a friend to work in the nursery today so that I would ensure my attendance at church this morning.
My parents are in Minnesota spending time with my sister this weekend so there was really nothing keeping me from spending all day in bed today.
Besides this stubborn will to get the heck over it and not let this day get to me yet again.
I did pretty well…The sermon was not about Motherhood…It was about finances, so that was good. I’ve spent enough time surrounded by babies the last three years that I don’t get choked up at the mere smell of them anymore. And I conveniently went to a 2 1/2 hour lunch date with a group of friends.
There was never really a chance to fall apart. Until there was.
Now I’m home. I’m supposed to go get a pedicure with my best friend and her sweet girl. She texted me well over an hour ago.
I can’t seem to keep it together another minute more.
Ann Voskamp blogged this today:
“Being the first to caress another human being’s cheek, I only felt raw, unadulterated, strangling terror.”
If you know our birth story you know that this was not my experience in the slightest. I was rather ambivalent to E’s existence at all after his birth. I call it numb.
But I think her statement gets right down to the heart of a birthmom. “Raw, unadulterated, strangling terror.” The difference is, noone bothered to tell me this fear was common place for expectant moms. That NO mom feels adequate. And while my fears were based in valid concerns, they were just that, fears. The root of fear is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in God, in my family, in myself, in baby daddy, in the world.
“How in the world could I have the wherewithal to lead another human being in the right way —when I was just making my way myself?” – Ann
Somewhere along the line I went from a fearfully expectant mom, to a pregnant woman who made a birth plan where she would give her baby to a qualified mother. And she is, she is absolutely (more than) qualified.
But maybe, just maybe, I would have been too.